Helping somebody deal with the loss of a loved one
15 September 2020. I was undergoing training at an MNC I had recently joined, and my phone rang, at an odd time, very unexpectedly. It was my mother calling and when I accepted the call, she was crying. My mother, who hadn’t cried in a decade, was crying, shivering and couldn’t speak a word.
My grand-mother was no more.
Two days later, my uncle, barely fifty, hitherto very healthy, had to be put on a ventilator because his lungs got incapacitated. After a 3-week battle at the hospital, he too, was no more. And just like that our Suraj Barjatiya style joint family was in shambles.
Five Letters. C-O-V-I-D.
I was 21 then, and like most people my age, I had had very limited experience with death (not that having it helps anyway). My mind was in a tempest. I had all sorts of feelings doing rounds in my head — sometimes positive, sometimes negative, and at times, some, which would eat me up at night.
I kept going like this for days. Didn’t speak much, didn’t eat a lot and kept myself busy with my office work. I obviously had to stop. So, I did what any person in my age would do — what I would do when I had a break up, or when I had a fight with my parents — I turned to my friends….
But as I found out, most of them were as clueless about helping someone deal with a loss, as I was in dealing with the loss itself. I felt most of them remained worried about doing or saying the right thing. And while they really did care for me, they ending up ghosting me.
We are living in difficult times during which death can no longer be hidden and psychologically sent to the distant future. It is here and it is now. So, I’ve compiled a list of suggestions that I think would be helpful in dealing with a situation like this.
- They need you? Do they want to be left alone?
People react in different ways. Some do not want to be spoken to when they suffer a loss while others feel a pressing need to let out immediately. Yet another kind stays numb initially and gradually comes out. Do not judge the needs of the other person on the basis of what your needs would have been in that situation. Instead, ask them directly or try to judge from their actions if they’re repelling you or being comforted by your presence. And repeat this after a few days to see if the situation has changed
2. How to start?
A lot of people get stuck on how to start — I would say, keep it simple, don’t overthink it, and start before it becomes too late. You can just ask them, with sincerity, how they are, to begin with. It can be followed by questions about their family. Offer to help if you’re in the same school/workplace/society, etc. You get the drift.
3. Don’t stop after the first time
Death is a reality that sinks in very, very slowly. Keep asking them how they are after 10 days, 2 months, 4 months, randomly. Don’t hesitate if you feel like you’ll make the situation awkward. The more you make it normal for the other person to talk about death, the better it is for him/her.
4. When communicating:
a. Listen.
b. Let them cry their heart out.
c. Don’t always try to showing them the positive angle of things.
d. Show them empathy, not pity.
e. Do not treat death like gossip. Remember that you’re there to comfort the mourner, not be a detective.
5. No comparisons please
All grief is different and no grief is greater than the other. Do not say anything to diminish a person’s sorrow. If someone feels sad, he/she just does. It doesn’t make one feel any better if you feel like their loss is smaller in comparison to the other big losses in context.
6. Show them that you care in your own way
I’ve had friends who forced their way into my house even though I said I’m fine, because they knew it wasn’t true. Cousins who’ve held my hand when I cried, and sometimes cried with me. Dream catcher gifted to me by a friend who thought it would bring positivity. Daily video calls from my friends despite me not picking up just to show that they’re there for me. My Bua (aunt) moving in with us. One friend referred me to a support group for grieving. I’m not sure I can convince you why it helps, but I guess it feels good to know you have people who care and will be there for them no matter what.
A year later….
Eventually, a person who has suffered a loss will have to, for the lack of a better word, move on. They will have their first birthday without their loved ones, first Diwali, first Christmas, first family photo and so on. All the happy occasions become bittersweet for a while. And in these occasions, don’t try to distract them if they feel low. It’s very natural for them to feel low. Instead just hold them tight and give them a hug. Just look them in the eye and say “You’ve been so strong so far and I’m proud of you.”
I have stopped myself often before becoming preachy about this, because maybe, MAYBE if this had not happened to me, I found have been the same un-empathetic person that I’m calling out several people to be. Or maybe I would have understood, I would have walked towards them and helped them embrace their pain.
But I do know that I now understand a bit more than what I used to about what personal loss can be, and I want to help others as best as I can. Feel free to comment or reach out.
